Even walking was unbearable. He was so very old... Seven-hundred years, eight lives, and a never-ending war... He had to stop it. He had to, it was the only thing he could think of, when it disappeared. Gallifrey...
'What have I done?!' he whispered to himself, sitting down on a rock crossing his way. She told there would be an other way... but what way? Let everybody and everything die? He had to do it... He buried his face in his wrinkled palm and slowly began to sob.
'I didn't want to... I had no choice...' he said as to the people who disappeared with the planet. All those children... their faces appeared in front of him – the ones he saw in Arcadia, when he took the Moment from the Archive. They were so very afraid of the daleks, and they knew nothing of him. Nothing about the Moment, just those terrifying voices: Exterminate!. They thought him as a soldier – an old soldier, who could maybe save them. And what did I do?... I bring them nothing but death. Arcadia has fallen, and Gallifrey with it, and all the time lords, and all the daleks, and everything he knew before. Only the TARDIS remained. The TARDIS. He looked up at his beloved blue box, and with a tear a smile came at his old-old face.
'Only you and me, old lady, eh?' he spoke to her, but the machine didn't hum, didn't clang – it was silent, like it was grieving too. It made the Doctor's smile fade, and tears came back to his eyes. And suddenly a soft hand touched his shoulder.
'I wish I could walk through the doors in your mind...' a soft voice told, as someone sat down beside him. He looked up, and a pair of sea-blue eyes with a sad smile looked back at him. He smiled back at the woman, but shook his head.
'No, you don't. You don't, child.' he shook his head, and squeezed his eyes with his fingers to wipe out the tears. The woman took his hand in hers, and with her other she turned his head to face her.
'You did what needed to do, and it's not your fault.' she shook her head, so desperate him to understand... He looked at her closer, and then down at his hand in hers. It felt so familiar, but he didn't know where from.
'How do you know about what I did?' he asked bending his brow, quaveringly. 'How do you know what was needed to do?'
Her lips lapsed in a tiny wicked smile, and she blinked away.
'I know a lot of things, but I'm sorry, there are few I can tell. Spoilers.'
'Spoilers...' the old man snorted, and then shook his head. 'I don't think I'll live long now, child, and if there are any spoilers left for me, I'm not interested in them. I have nothing left in this universe.' he told, and looked up in infinity. The woman looked at him with pain and love, with eyes they wanted to help so desperately, but were not able to. Instead she squeezed the old man's hand.
'How I wish I could surrender my soul... Shed these feelings melted in my skin... Became young and fearless again, hide my true shape...' he looked at the woman 'But I cannot, can I? Nobody can change so easily. Once time lords could, they could change when needed, when wanted – but no time lords remained in the world, did they?' he snorted again, and shook his head. 'No time lords more... only me.' he looked up, and tears began to flow down on those wrinkled cheeks. Then slowly he turned to the young woman, and looked at her like she was the only hold he could grab on in the world. 'I'm so cold from fear.' he told, and his eyes lingered on hers like he wanted some comfort from those sapphires. And she grabbed both his hands and lifted to kiss them, and hold them to her cheeks, fighting with her own tears, watching the hopelessness on his face. He turned away, and sighed.
'I'll have to run far away and find comfort in guilt and pain, but not like this. This face is not worthy for the name it wears. The Doctor is not the Doctor he was before, and whatever help he brings to people of the universe hereupon; he'll have to bear the curse he brought upon his own kind. This memory will hold him close forever, even when he'll forget the number of the children he killed to save thousand times so many, even when he changes himself hundred times, even when he'll hear joy and grace around him. I'm not the Doctor I was before...' he shook his head. 'And nobody will know how I became what I will be.' he stood up slowly, elderly. He took some steps away from the woman who stayed sitting on the rock when she told him
'And yet, they'll love you as much as they did before all this happened.' she told, and the words made the old man stop and turn around. He looked at the woman like he was looking at her at the first time: eye-narrowing, searching.
'Who are you to know who I am, child? Have I met you before?' he searched the face under the blond curls as the woman stood up.
'No, you haven't.' she smiled kindly. 'But I did met you.' she told, and the riddle was shown on his face.
'What's your name? Who are you?' he asked again, but the woman turned up her sleeve and tipped something in a machine he haven't seen before.
'I have many names, as you do – but my real one is known to as few people as yours, Doctor.' she told, and looked up to meet his eyes one last time. 'The name is not what you've given. The name is what you chose to wear. And your name is the Doctor. Remember this.' she told, and with a last sad smile she disappeared amid blue lightnings.
* * *
River Song sipped her tea on her coach, when a well-known humming noise assailed her ear. She pulled her lips in a weak smile, and blinked in the direction of the door, but didn't mind to open it – and looked back at the garden through the window. Just when she heard the lock clinging and slow steps nearing the living room, did she sigh and force herself to speak.
'Good evening, Sweetie.' she told but didn't turn her head to meet his eyes. The tweed-jacket young man stopped in the passage and leaned to the wall. He looked up and down at the blond woman, and clasped his hands before continued nearing her.
'Good evening, Professor Song. May I join you with the tea?' that soft voice was honey for her ears. She hummed as he touched her shoulders and gave a light kiss on her neck and sat down on the couch at her back.
'What are you thinking about?' the Doctor asked when she continued being silent. She hummed and shook her head for a bit, and leaned it on his hand which laid on her shoulder.
'I don't know.' she told then, and her husband understood she was not sure about the way she wanted to tell him.
'Am I included?' he asked again, and she laughed up a bit.
'Is there a chance for not?' she told, and for the first time in the evening looked in his eyes. The Doctor grimaced.
'I like when you're thinking about me.' he told, and usually it would make her flirting and eager, but now she only kissed him lightly and turned back towards the window, and fell silent again. For a couple of minutes they just sat there, saying nothing, holding each other's hands, her head on his shoulder, and her scent in his nose. Then River began to speak in a mused tone.
'I met your former self.'
'Hmm which one?' he asked, not grabbing the sense of her say – but when she hesitated, he realized she was talking about a really different self of his.
'You mean...'
'Yes.' she nodded, and take a sip from her tea. His face changed: the rush from memory to memory in his brain, and a bit of panic and awareness was seen in his eyes, but River didn't mind. She continued talking.
'He was so desperate... So lost, so aimless... terrified. Like... he was fighting hell itself.' she frowned, and he knew which one of him she was talking about. He felt panic covering his thoughts.
'You... you couldn't... You...' he stammered and slowly backing from her. She turned to look at him, and sorrow and pity mingled in her eyes.
'You remember the girl who sat down next to you on the rock, after the Moment? You remember she knew many things, and you didn't know where from? You remember she didn't tell you her name?' she asked, and horror took over his face.
'It was a vision...' he whispered, and pictures came back to him from that afternoon. The blond woman, her tears, his words... River smiled at him sadly, and sipped her tea. The Doctor backed from her horrified. 'You did it... you met me before I met you...'
River nodded, and took her cup down on the table.
'You forgot that one of yourself. Although you shouldn't, you did.' she shook her head sadly. The Doctor looked at her still with angst in his eyes, gawping, deciding if he could believe her. She watched him and knew his thoughts.
'It's okay, Sweetie. You were afraid, just lost everything, it's no miracle you thought you were seeing a vision. You needed to be comforted, I couldn't fix it other way.' she smiled weakly, and he stopped falling back. River looked at him with full of love, sighing, till he calmed and took a deep breath and began to shook his head.
'You should've not met him. He was not prepared for you.'
'It was you, Sweetie.' she narrowed her eyes.
'No. No, River, he wasn't me, it was him. He did the Deed. I'm not him.' he said angrily and afraid at the same time, and River saw how distracted he was. She stood up and stepped to him, taking his hands in hers, and seeking for his gaze, but he shed it. She sighed.
'Sweetie, he was a good man. I met him, he was as good-hearted as you are. Maybe you forgot it truly, but he suffered more than you did ever. He was the one who did it. He saved the Universe and every life in it. He was just as noble as you are. And he made the decision you could've never. And I love him as much as I love you.' she reached for his face and made him look at her. In his eyes there were tears. 'He chose darkness from cold, he remained in darkness but he never went cold. His heart broke for us.' she told, looking in his watered eyes as tears began to fall from them.
'How I wish I would save my soul too...' he sniffed, looking up on the ceiling to hide his feelings.
'I know, Sweetie, I know. But you gave it up, and that's the noblest thing anyone ever did.' she told, and turned his head back to her, just to give him a encouraging smile. 'You're the Doctor. And it will never-ever change.' she told, and kissed him deep, and rested her forehead on his after they parted.
'Thank you.' he swallowed, and kissed her hand gently. She smiled at him, tears in her eyes too, and lent him back to the coach, a bit calmed.
'I forgot that man, that's true. And I forgot the vision, but I did not forget your words.' he told, holding her hand in his, not facing her.
'I know.' she nodded, and he looked up at her.
'How can you know?'
She laughed a bit, and swung her head. 'You're still the Doctor.' she told, and kissed him with all the love she could possibly give him – because whatever he did, he did it in good will, and for the Universe's sake: every time, with every deed, in every situation. And whatever words he remembered, they were more than just words: they saved his soul; and it was the only thing what mattered for her.