Clara and the Doctor was sitting on the staircase of the TARDIS consol room. They were just days after Trenzalore and they just sat and spoke to each other. There was much to speak about.
'Who are the Monks? I know now about this Great Intelligent or what and the Angels and the Silence but who are they? You said they were on killing you – as well the others. Anyway, why are everybody on killing you?!' she asked confused. He sighed and very slowly, very silently began.
'That... is a long, long story. Don't ask me to tell all of it. It started long long ago, when I left Gallifrey (my home planet) and decided to explore the Universe. I ran up against many and interrupted many times - which I should not maybe. Those were the days! When I helped.'
'You are helping now too.'
'No. I save people. There's difference.'
'How?'
'When I was younger, I tried to help people. That's why I chose my name. The Doctor.' he sighed. 'I helped them – most times saved them, yes, but not every time because there was a deadly danger. I helped because I could. Now – now, when I step in my TARDIS and decide to put in the coordinates, I know – I know – that wherever I'm going there will be danger. It's because of her. She knows me, she knows I could help. But not anymore...'
'You're talking of the TARDIS, aren't you?' she asked frowned.
'Yes. The TARDIS. One time she got human. Just once. I told her she wasn't reliable and she have'nt bring me to the places I wanted to go – and she answered she brought me ever where I needed to be.' He shook his head and smiled on the memory. She smiled too. 'And that's the truth.' His face darkened. 'I'm always where I needed to be. Never where I want to be.'
'That could be annoying.' she shrugged.
'Yes. But that's the only way to keep them safe. People. The universe. I understand know. I understand but I'm tired. Do you understand, to be tired?' he turned to her.
'Well, yes. Yes, I understand being tired but I don't think so I understand to be that tired.'
He sighed.
'I only whish she could be here...' he whispered to himself as his eyes started watering.
'You mean her? Professor River Song?'
He nodded slowly and a tear fall from his eye.
'Sorry.' he sniffled and stood up.
'Sit back.' she commanded. He grimaced but obeyed.
'Now tell me about her. You did not tell me she was your wife. Why? Who was she you wanted to protect her so much? 'Cause I understand now if anybody would get know who she was they'd kill her.' she wondered.
'Worse. They would play her against me. Trap her. Excruciate her. Or worse. No one knows what would they able to do with her.'
He thrilled and went on.
'She was my love. My life.' he sighed. 'She was everything. She loved me more than anyone else in the universe. We were sweetharts for each other, she was always around.'
He smiled on the memory.
'Not the way you human are. She was not with me ever. But was always around – she appeared in the less expected moments with the less expected speech and less sensible action but she always knew. She always knew...'
He stopped and swallowed his tears an sighed.
'You know we were good for each other but some things they just don't work out. Our timestreams were antiparallel and never could spend real time together because we had to be parted – we had to meet at other times in each other's timeline. She met me when she killed me and I met her when I killed her...'
He stopped again when she frowned and cut him off:
'It's stupidity. You could not kill each other! She told me you saved her to a databank and not killed her! And she definitely could not kill you. You are here and alive.'
'Yes. And she did. Well, to be correct, she did it twice.'
She frowned and crossed her arm and looked at him questioning. He smiled a bit and sighed.
'Fist she killed me in Berlin, just regenerated 'cause of Hitler's shot.'
'Hitler?!' she cried out.
'Oh don't be naiv, why did you think I missed him out from list of notoriety?' he frowned.
'Anyway, she was programmed on it. She was taken as a baby from her parents and raised to kill me, although she escaped from them: the Silence, as well you know now. So she killed me and then saved me by giving me all of her remain regeneration energy.
'Second time she killed me at Lake Silencio, Utah, in front of her older self. Yeah, it was a bit complicated.' he added when he saw her expression. 'First she killed me and everything was ok, but second time, she drained her weapon system and time collapsed and I had to save it. So I married her.'
He looked at her and saw her unbelieving face.
'You're speaking mess. What's she killed you first and not second time? How could you save time by marrying her? Not that it's not romantic but how that works?' she asked. He sighed and smiled.
'We had to touch to go back on the site so she could kill me. And I decided to marry her. Of course, there could be another way to touch. But I had to give her faith, and tell her a secret which she should never speak out till there's time. And she didn't.'
'What secret?' Clara asked excited.
'She did not kill me. She killed a shapeshifting timetravelling robot controlled by miniaturized people. I should be there on the site, and should not be killed. So I dressed for occasion and got inside the robot so she killed the robot not me. She had to go to prison because of it... But she did not mind. Oh, tender was my lover, god, I miss her embrace...' he whispered the last sentence to himself. She heard – she listened so hard she couldn't miss a by-the-way. She sighed.
'Tell about her.' she asked. He hummed and began – more to himself than to her.
'She reminded me of childhood memories: she was like the first day of summer on Gallifrey – fresh and energetic and so, so blond...' he sighed. 'And her smile was so sweet... She smiled a lot; she smiled a lot with me. I wonder how could I put a smile on her face... Oh, I recall the way she feels, oh, I recall the way she tastes...'
'Okay that's enough.' she said with rebuke but smiling.
'Sorry... It's just I miss her desperately.' He sighed deep. 'Every time I held her I saw her face when she died and I could not tell her. I could not tell her I loved her because I did not know her at the time and after I could not tell her 'cause I was afraid of hurt. But I loved her. And these are the words that I wish I'd said to her when she was standing there next to me. These are the words that I say to her picture and these are the words that I say in my dreams – but I can't tell her now.'
He was crying at the last words and Clara put her arm around his shoulder and hugged him.
'It's okay. You know, love. I haven't been in love ever - I mean really. Of course I was in love sometimes, but not really. Not like this.' she said more to herself than him. She wondered how strong that love could be that he was sobbing on her shoulders probably years after the end of it. She smoothed his arm and wondered about his life: always loosing, always letting go and left behind, as every one dies beside of you... It could be terrible...
She thrilled and focused on him in reality. He finished crying just sat there, with her arm on his shoulder and bowed his head.
'I'm sorry.' he said after a couple of minuits. 'Sorry, I did not want to say all of these. I don't know what happened to me...' he stood up. Clara frowned.
'Well, what happened to you that was that your long dead woman appeared to you from a database from a far away planet and talked to you and finally when you answered and kissed her you had to let her go again. It could defeat anyone...' she summed.
'Yes, thank you Clara, that was helpful.' he hit her.
'Sorry I just wanted you to realize it wasn't your fault. It wasn't anybody's fault. It's that how people work.'
'It's that how human work!' he pealed. 'But I'm not human! I'm a time lord of Gallifrey, I shouldn't cry at loss – they trained us not to be emotional but I flew away so long ago, I forgot it... I mixed in your society for so long, I became a human...'
He said it with horror.
'I became a human...' he repeated.
'I'm a human! I'm not a Dalek, I'm a human! I'm human! … I'm a Dalek, I'm not a human, I'm a Dalek.'
'Ex... ter... mi... nate...' she stammered. The Doctor spinned and soniced her automatically.
'Clara? Clara what's wrong?' He sat on his heels in front of her. She looked in th far away and tears were flowing on her cheeks.
'I'm human...' she repeated the words she heard from a distant life.
'Of course you are a human, Clara Oswald.' he grabbed her hand. She looked at him and stammered.
'Owsin.'
'Oswin. Clara Oswald for the Windows. Os-win. Remember?' he worried for her.
'I don't know where I am.' she whispered. Her eyes were far away and full with fear.
'You are here Clara Oswald with me and I don't let you go, never.' he hugged her and then let her go for sonicing her again.
'I saw you. You and her. In an other place, in an other life.' she breathed. 'I saw you every time. I was there: on the Byzantium. In the Pandorica. I saw you two. I saved you. I was in the crack. I feeded the Angels. I tried to warn her on the TARDIS. But she came back. She stepped in and piloted her to you. But she exploded. I was there. I was in the TARDIS. I exploded with her.'
She sobbed voiceless – just the tears fell from her eyes and her shoulder shook. He watched her frightened but couldn't do more: it was like a piece of her soul wanted to get free. So he listened.
'I saved you. I saved the small blue book for her, and she gave it to Amy and she remembered...'
At the mention of the Scotish he thrilled.
'I saved you.' she turned back to him. Her eyes cleaned and she stirred. She looked confused and wiped the tears off her face.
'Sorry.' she sniffled but frowned. 'Why am I crying?' She looked at him. He still sat there on his heels and horror stood in his look.
'What's wrong, why am I crying? Why are you looking frightened? What the hell happened?!' she shouted flustrated. He stirred and shook his head.
'Nothing. Nothing happened. Just a tiny memory fail. Nothing happened you could remember.'
He tried to smile to comfort her but it did not work.
'What did I do? What did I say? And why in hell are you looking so horrored?!'
'Calm. Down.' he raised his hand. 'You just remembered something you shouldn't.'
'What?' she asked nervously.
'Something from an other life. It won't happen again.'
'How do you know?'
'Because I make it sure.'
'How?'
'A tiny mental block in your head and it won't come up again.'
'Mental block? You want to fumble in by brain?!' she slipped a bit further.
'Don't be afraid it won't hurt.'
'I'm not afraid. I don't want you to fumble in my head, that's all.'
'Oh come on, trust me.'
'Why?'
He sighed.
'You know, I can't say any reason. But you trusted me till this. You came with me, you became my companion – my friend. So just please, trust me.'
She swallowed hard.
'What will it cause?'
'Nothing. You will be the same. It'll just block reactions like this.'
'Like what?'
'Like that you can't remember because it wasn't your concious mind what generated it. But your subconcious works against it and will break loose no one knows when and how.' he tried to explain her it's gravity. She swallowed and slowly nodded.
'How do you manage that?' she asked.
'Don't be afraid. I just step into your mind and lock that door which leads there. Are you ready?'
'How do you do that?'
He sighed.
'Could we just get over it?'
She swallowed and nodded. He closed the space between them and put his hand on her temple. He closed his eyes and asked her to close hers as well. When he stepped in her mind, there was lots and lots of doors – every leading to him. Just one was locked, the one with label 'Mum'. He turned away; he did not want to disturb her private sectors. He locked the doors one-by-one but one, which leaded to herself: her real being, Clara Oswald, born in 1987, who stepped into the Doctor's timestream for saving him. It was her, his Clara, the one who had real life, with real goals and not just for saving him. He let it opened and broke the link. She opened her eyes and looked more peaceful.
'Thank you.' was the only thing she said. 'Now, I'm tired – God knows how, I woke up just a few hours ago. So please, could you bring me home?'
He smiled and nodded. Only he knew why she felt so tired. Only he knew what lived in her.